Simply put

I have become a lover of simplicity in the past year. Most of my understanding of the world so far has been very complicated, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and held together by language and ideas moulded by times other than these; they failed to prepare me to relate to reality as it unfolded before me at times. There has been a scabbing-over of my sense of identity and my personal values, while my strengths have been so challenged and taxed that I wonder if they’re there anymore. The peeling-off of these scabs is just now beginning, and this might be a good exercise to help the process along.

So I love simplicity, because it allows for truth and beauty to arise, for things to be as they are. Since early in life I’ve been dumbfounded by how everyone around me found various painful ways to distract themselves from the beauty and perfection of who they are and the love surrounding their lives, and then I found myself doing the same. But turning my attention towards the simple things of child-like existence, a hug, rolling around in the dirt, playing in the rain… none of them require much effort, thinking or anything at all, but how wonderful all these things are!

On a different level, this same sense of joy comes to me when freedom is in the air. And this has meant several different things at various stages of my life. Today freedom feels like the ability to choose who I am at every moment, without personal, familial, cultural or any kind of conditioning; not changing to hide who I am, but to better express and embody it. This comes from within, from a relationship with myself, an understanding of my true will and what drives me; losing that severs my ability to remain free. I don’t feel the need to free myself from external structures and groups or to determine other people’s behaviours to stop them from limiting my freedom.

The way I see these principles expressed in my life is through honesty. Since childhood honesty has been present in every part of my life, I couldn’t tell a lie to save my life. That changed with time, when truth was something that wasn’t allowed in the space where I was, until one day I decided never to tell a lie again, no matter the consequences. That is a bold claim, and a tall order, no doubt, but I would not choose a different path up the mountain. Following those words has brought me freedom from lies, deception, manipulation and all the funk that comes with them. My life is much more simple, since I have no land-mines to navigate that could reveal something I’m hiding from the world; I can simply be honest and deal with things as they are.

Very nice and all, but where’s the proof?!

I made a very difficult choice earlier this year. For a long time I have had a dream, and it has shaped all the decisions I made in the past three years. I wanted to grow cannabis legally, naturally, here in Te Tairāwhiti. I had a chance to do just that, and took it, even though it changed everything in every aspect of my life. I staked everything on it; my partnership with my wife, my relationships with my friends and family, my livelihood, everything. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I did it for far longer than I believed I could.

The whole time, my will was divided between my personal dream and the connections that nurtured and supported me to be who I am. I was seeing myself getting lost in a life that was not my own, where my sense of identity was being constantly shut down and rejected, barely keeping in touch with the ground that held me up; I had to make a choice. Being honest with myself and remaining true to my principles, I had to let go of the one thing that was complicating and distorting the reality around me; my intention to remain feeding that dream even though it was costing me everything. So I collected my things and went back home, where I started to make peace with my choices, repair my relationships with everyone that I had left behind, including myself, and ask the question of who I am, and what I do, all over again.

The truth is, it was all worth it, it was a great adventure, and one more chapter in a book full of empty pages moving forward.

The culture, or cultures to be more accurate, I grew up surrounded by were a point of friction and conflict throughout my whole transition into adulthood. I was raised with a very strict set of values and in a family with what I considered to be a narrow and limited vision of the world. Catholicism was at the core of everything that surrounded me, and that came with a great deal of conservative and, what felt to me, oppresive set of principles and conditioning that never sat well inside me. The main reason bein the honesty I was talking about before; it seemed as if everything was asked of others, while the people demanding it were unwilling to give it. I interpreted this as hypocrisy, self delusion at a collective level, and, if that was my culture and my values, I wanted to have none of it. I have now been living in Aotearoa for almost seven years, and my perception of the cultural milieu that surrounded my upbringing has evolved, if only a little.

The deeply ingrained propension to violence that forced me to seek asylum in this country, now looks to me like a never-ending expression of pain, grief and fear, generated by more than two hundred years of internal conflict, of course preceded by more than three hundred years of crushing colonising processes that have left us all bereft of any identity, sense of each others' humanity, and the vulnerability that it implies. I have nothing to hold against the country that gave me everything that generated the stream of consciousness I call myself, there was never a mistake in peoples's behavior or worldview, it was all naturally unfolding within the given circumstances. The concepts of blame and evil intent have transformed into responsibility and karma. We are all responsible for what we give and what we take, and we do so because we so desire. I choose today to be resposible for how I manage myself and my relationship with reality as it reveals itself.

I believe this unwillingness to pass judgement unto others, arising from my extended conflict with my cultural backgroudn, has become a strength that colours everything I do. From the people I choose to associate with, to the things I learn and choose to do for a living; fairness and a balanced understanding of responsibility have to be present for me to feel at ease. I don't pretend to be the measure of these in other people, but I understand what fairness looks like to me, and I can discern when it is or isn't right and respond accordingly. Surrounding this core value are my love for beauty and excellence, my unwavering sense of humor (sometimes too strong!), my ability to make ballanced judgement of things and situations, and my ability to forgive.

In my learning processes, I have seen how these strengths play a very important role. The way I approach a topic is always informed by all of them, providing me with a wide understanding of what I'm learning in relation to previous learnings and gauging the extent to which I can comprehend things on a moment to moment basis. My sens of humor is I believe one of my most trusted tools, allowing me to pivot, and turn any situation on its head to perceive it from a totally different perspective. I tend to consider and be able to identify how people around me feel, their intentions and character, which has been an indispensable help in working with teams and has allowed me to create working relationships that felt more like a joyous and playful sharing of space and mahi.

I don't usually count my weaknesses, acknowledge or talk about them; mostly I bear them and do my best to overcome them. I believe the greatest one to be my unwillingness to look at myself with the same compassion I reserve for others. My high expectations of myself tend to distort the extent to which I can fairly assess and judge myself, sometimes being worsened to my tendency to take external criticism (mainly the one that comes loaded with heavy emotions) as proof thet I am not enough, unworthy and to be rejected. This is as deeply ingrained in my psychological makeup as my sense of humor and fairness. It has become my greates stumbling rock in life and it is what I am working with the most right now. I can do much of anything, but as soon as the negative self-talk begins, my energy gets drained and redirected towards feedign that thought pattern. This mainly translates in me believing I can't achieve whate I set out to, that all my efforts will amount to nothing. So sometimes, half of my energy is spent fighting myself in a sensless battle for inner peace. I have to say, having a supportive peer group that is going through very similar things on a day to day basis is about as perfect to navigate this as anything else I have encountered, and I am confident I will be able to not only survive but trhive in this process that is only now beggining.

I was part of a great team a few years back, we had a great boss, and all of us supported each other with kindess, love and humor. Our boss resigned, as did I shortly after finding out, and the person sent to replace him made it all seem well until he had left. From day one of his tenure, the new boss started showing he had no intention to be responsible for his part of the work, or even understanding what was expected of him. I was the person closest to him both in hierarchy and in the fact that we shared an office space. When he started asking me to do things that corresponded him, I did my best to show him how to do them himself and supported him through the tough transition he was going through. Then he started making easily avoidable mistakes on things the team had previously warned him about and his attitude was to shift the blame to the people advising him in how to properly proceed. The team was patient and observant of how he evolved, but the instances where he kept failing to see how his actions were affecting both the performance and morale of the team kept becoming more and more common.

I served as a mediator, trying to keep the peace, I did my best to make him see, in no uncertain terms, that his relationship with the team and their perception of him and his work was essential for his keeping his position. I listened to both him and my teammates when they shared their frustrations and did my best to find solutions that worked for everyone, to no avail. His shifting of blame and inability to shoulder his part of the responsibility turned into angry outbursts directed at the most vulnerable and kind-hearted members of the team, which angered the most veteran member and my closest friend in the team. It was all I could do to stop them from going to their fists, and as my final days in the team were growing short I felt sad to leave in such a sensitive time. What lifted the sadness off my shoulders was the confidence I had in my mates' resilience and support for each other. I found out the new boss left not three months after my leaving, and how everything worked out for the best.